another prayer ~

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catcher

salvation comes
I prayed it –
ten thousand selfish nights
a day returned
to open wide my heart
cast aside the worrying
let alone the past
too many where I waited
til I’ve forgotten you
before the dawn
remembers
another prayer
I knew

. . .

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words ~

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olittleme

words neglect
the heart of me –
a river without pen
nights I curse
at shadows –
as verses to begin
denied the trust
of long ago
warmth against my breast
solace seeks surrender
in a moment unconfessed
the ways become
of somewhere else –
days rolled long between
from a place deserted
where we are –
words don’t mean
a thing

. . .

ten thousand more ~

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alonewithme

I’m not the one
you brag about
the open hand –
the heart
where once you lay
your weary head
emptied it of dreams

from knowing
everything and none
the weight of silent truths –
the sheets still warm
recall the sun
as I remember you

as yesterday
ten thousand more
the hooded blue of dusk
a thread to break
within the breeze –
as letters meant
for us

. . .

not to wonder ~

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rememberthis

somewhere beyond
the certainty
of one more every day
beyond the wish
that keeps my dreams awake

as kisses unforgotten
dry an ocean of my tears
for a moment
unpretending
time is lost –
you are here

wrapped in morning
promise
whispering my name –
for a moment
not to wonder
why you left
or why you came

for one more
dream remembered
in the silent swell of dawn
another sky
we lay beneath –
stars we wished
upon

. . .

worth worrying about ~

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country lifeIt was a long weekend. Or, should I say it was a long Sunday. Due to some changes with our healthcare provider, we had a large group of individuals who were reflected as being terminated when they weren’t. To be honest, I am still in shock at the number of individuals who apparently visit the pharmacy every weekend.

But I also took my baby sister to the ER with anxiety, breathing, dizziness symptoms. I’m sure it’s not unusual to spend two hours just waiting in the ER, but eventually she was seen and sent home. We still aren’t sure what was wrong, and we may never know. It can be chalked up to ‘just one of those things’ or even a fine blend of Zyrtec, Flonase and mid-age weariness.

Regardless, Monday morning was busy before I left home with checking in, giving updates and juggling emails. I was so very grateful that I draw a line when it comes to driving and refuse to answer emails when stopped at traffic lights.

Instead, it was filled with reflection and introspection – about what I’m doing and what I’m not (or not doing enough).

I thought of how much I would prefer (even at this later time in my life) the things I rejected earlier in my life. I wanted for the little town with the bigger heart, people who I knew the same as my own hand, worry for the few things worth worrying about. I contemplated what it would be like to work at the hometown grocery store, or restocking cards at the only card shop in town. I fantasized about evening bond fires and weekend card games; fishing lines and flannel shirts; feather beds and catfish fries; weekends at the lake; pancake breakfasts and quilting circles.

I imagined a breadth of friends that would know everything about me, and love me (still). Friends who share their best recipes and spare bedrooms; who know the real difference between listening and hearing; friends eager to spend a Saturday morning picking blackberries, shopping at the nearest second-hand store, laughing as we gobble down a second serving of french toast, or crying over a movie we’ve seen twenty times.

Late nights with no make-up; mornings with no schedule to keep.

There’s another life out there; one with a smaller price tag. Sure – I won’t make as much, but it will cost me less – less of what matters; less of my years; less of whatever time I have left to spend.

I may be a long way from that leap, but I’m much closer to realizing there is one to be made – and of a life that surely exists beyond the fall.

in spite of time
my aching rests
with want for one last summer
one late July
you wanted me
I lived beyond the fire
dancing
when the party ended
backward to your arms
forward into all
the grace
you are

. . .

beyond the redemption of sin ~

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divineus_edited

a weeping jehovah
bound by regret
another town over
I stayed –
beyond the redemption
of skin touching skin –
beyond the confession
of sin

I’d forgotten to tell you
forsaken the blame
for a lifetime of verses
repeated the same
by lovers
by fathers
poets and priests
some other I loved you
down on my knees

fevers entwined
where counting
we kept
pace with a promise
made real
as we slept

tempted to dream
though certain to wake
alone
in our wanting
another to make

. . .

a whisper of remember me ~

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backtohome

was a time
I might have fretted –
December days
without a call
a moment of concession
longing miles –
none at all

with a whisper of
remember me
another place
where time began
how funny now
my grieving weighs
each start to start again

January soon will pass
within a numbered
swell of tides
to ease the ache
of missing –
a voice
where love
abides

. . .

stories of a life ~

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alittlelife

had morning woke
before I did –
stumbled from his lair
maybe he’d make coffee
in my stead
lounge about the kitchen
watching from the still
where daylight poured a runway
down the hall

maybe he’d fix breakfast
and serve it to me warm
with stories of a life
beyond my bed
at ease within the silence
of moments left to share
quiet as a shadow –
as verses
on the wall

. . .